Many adults unknowingly carry emotional patterns shaped by their relationship with their parents. When a parent becomes the center of identity, validation, or emotional safety, it can deeply impact self-worth and personal growth. Healing often begins by recognizing that parents are human—not divine—and learning to separate your identity from their approval
The Parent-Child Dynamic We Carry Into Relationships
The three things we’re all looking for in our partner:
- Read my mind
- Agree with everything I say
- Meet every need I have, when I have it
I’ve heard this called “We’re all actually looking for the Divine.” Historically, I’ve agreed with this.
Not anymore.
The Divine does not actually meet these. Sometimes the Divine will tell me “no”. The Divine does not agree with everything I have to say. The Divine and I may disagree on what my needs are.
So who or what are we looking for?
A parent.
Why We Search for Someone to Meet Every Need
A parent and a relatively healthy home from birth to 1 to 2 years old. Actually, in the womb as well. Think about what we know about the womb: Our temperature is moderated perfectly and we are nourished exactly as we need to be. We don’t have to make any requests. Our needs are met before we even know we have them.
We spend the rest of our lives looking for this in someone else. And this is very disappointing. Over time, these dynamics can create emotional walls that make authenticity and vulnerability feel unsafe.
The Emotional Impact of Unspoken Needs
It is hard to live in this world. We are sad to live in a world where we have to speak to what we want. Some of us don’t even know what we need or want. This makes it all the more challenging to ask for it.
Healing doesn’t require rejecting your parents. It requires seeing them clearly. When we stop placing parents on a pedestal, we create space to reconnect with ourselves, our boundaries, and our own inner authority.
And that’s where the work is.
Figure out your own needs and wants AND learn how to request them in a healthy way. Then learn how to manage your disappointment if your partner says no. I can help. I offer individual and couples therapy both virtually and in person. Contact me today to see if we’d be a good fit.