Your relationship has fallen into some negative patterns. You are struggling to communicate. There are no “big issues,” and yet, you don’t feel as connected as you did in the past. You feel stuck. You may even be feeling hopeless.
Let’s work together to see how you ended up in this negative place.
What issues are you both kicking up for each other? That is the beautiful mess of marriage: we marry the person who kicks up our stuff. I should say “kicks up some of our stuff,” because if there’s one thing I’ve learned (and the statistics show this), it’s that your next relationship will kick up other stuff for you. The divorce rate actually goes up with each successive marriage (ie: second marriage is at a higher rate than the first, third is higher than the second, etc).
So, with your permission, we’re going to look into your “stuff.” Both of your stuff.
I often hear my couples say: “if she would just do this” or “I hope he’s listening to this” or something to that effect. And I respond with: “Stay in your lane.”
Your relationship has fallen into some negative patterns. You are struggling to communicate. There are no “big issues,” and yet, you don’t feel as connected as you did in the past. You feel stuck. You may even be feeling hopeless.
Let’s work together to see how you ended up in this negative place.
What issues are you both kicking up for each other? That is the beautiful mess of marriage: we marry the person who kicks up our stuff. I should say “kicks up some of our stuff,” because if there’s one thing I’ve learned (and the statistics show this), it’s that your next relationship will kick up other stuff for you. The divorce rate actually goes up with each successive marriage (ie: second marriage is at a higher rate than the first, third is higher than the second, etc).
So, with your permission, we’re going to look into your “stuff.” Both of your stuff.
I often hear my couples say: “if she would just do this” or “I hope he’s listening to this” or something to that effect. And I respond with: “Stay in your lane.”
Relational Life Therapy is really individual work.
The best part about this being individual work is that you have a say here. You are not trapped in a system outside of your control. You are not powerless. You are empowered to make your own choices and changes. You get to take care of you, and see what happens.
Which brings me to these three steps:
Work on Your Own Stuff. We’ll figure out what’s going on for each you. What is coming up from your historical pasts (your childhoods). How you handle your emotions. Why you get caught in unproductive and unhealthy thought loops and how to stop the cycle.
See What Happens. As you get healthier, it’ll shift your relationships. We explore what that shift will look like.
Deal With It. Some of those shifts will be uncomfortable, yet you will be better equipped to deal with whatever comes your way and step out of the unhealthy patterns.
Relational Life Therapy is really individual work.
The best part about this being individual work is that you have a say here. You are not trapped in a system outside of your control. You are not powerless. You are empowered to make your own choices and changes. You get to take care of you, and see what happens.
Which brings me to these three steps:
Work on Your Own Stuff. We’ll figure out what’s going on for each you. What is coming up from your historical pasts (your childhoods). How you handle your emotions. Why you get caught in unproductive and unhealthy thought loops and how to stop the cycle.
See What Happens. As you get healthier, it’ll shift your relationships. We explore what that shift will look like.
Deal With It. Some of those shifts will be uncomfortable, yet you will be better equipped to deal with whatever comes your way and step out of the unhealthy patterns.
Is it “fair” if you do your own work and your partner doesn’t?
Well, yes and no. I know, it sounds like I’m trying to avoid answering. Here me out:
Yes, because you are still improving and this is a better lifestyle for you anyway.
Yes, because you are now better prepared to make a decision about your marriage.
No, because it really isn’t fair.
I’ll repeat that: It really isn’t. And the bitter pill is that sometimes life isn’t fair. And healthy adults are able to deal with life when it isn’t fair.
Why does it benefit you to do the work even if your partner doesn’t? Because not only are you healthier and happier anyway, but also because you are still living in this system. Would you rather hold onto your pride, be right, and have a miserable evening? Or day(s)? Or do you want to enjoy the time with your partner?
I’d like you to start looking at your relationship like spokes on a bicycle wheel: as one thing shifts, everything else shifts as well. As you make your changes, it will shift the relationship; even if your partner is making less changes than you are.
Is it “fair” if you do your own work and your partner doesn’t?
Well, yes and no. I know, it sounds like I’m trying to avoid answering. Here me out:
Yes, because you are still improving and this is a better lifestyle for you anyway.
Yes, because you are now better prepared to make a decision about your marriage.
No, because it really isn’t fair.
I’ll repeat that: It really isn’t. And the bitter pill is that sometimes life isn’t fair. And healthy adults are able to deal with life when it isn’t fair.
Why does it benefit you to do the work even if your partner doesn’t? Because not only are you healthier and happier anyway, but also because you are still living in this system. Would you rather hold onto your pride, be right, and have a miserable evening? Or day(s)? Or do you want to enjoy the time with your partner?
I’d like you to start looking at your relationship like spokes on a bicycle wheel: as one thing shifts, everything else shifts as well. As you make your changes, it will shift the relationship; even if your partner is making less changes than you are.
I don’t care if you stay married or not. I care that you make the decision from a healthy place.
I cringe when I hear marriage therapists say “I value marriage” or “I want to help you stay married.” Do I value marriage? Absolutely. And it is imperative to your treatment that I don’t walk in with any agenda. I’m here to provide tools/skills. I’m here to be a mirror of your behaviors. I’m here to show you ways to come out of your negative behaviors. And you have to want to. This is HARD work (I had a client say this in literally every session): changing your behavior at home, in the moment, when you want to act from your impulses, is really challenging.
As I state elsewhere on my site – I believe uncovering the motivations behind our impulses, in the therapy office, can actually be easy.
You have to be motivated to do the work. Not everyone is and we can work on that resistance together as well.
I don’t care if you stay married or not. I care that you make the decision from a healthy place.
I cringe when I hear marriage therapists say “I value marriage” or “I want to help you stay married.” Do I value marriage? Absolutely. And it is imperative to your treatment that I don’t walk in with any agenda. I’m here to provide tools/skills. I’m here to be a mirror of your behaviors. I’m here to show you ways to come out of your negative behaviors. And you have to want to. This is HARD work (I had a client say this in literally every session): changing your behavior at home, in the moment, when you want to act from your impulses, is really challenging.
As I state elsewhere on my site – I believe uncovering the motivations behind our impulses, in the therapy office, can actually be easy.
You have to be motivated to do the work. Not everyone is and we can work on that resistance together as well.
I make it sound easy here, and it’s not.
And I know that it’s not. How do I know that it’s not? Because, to quote Terry Real: “I’m a fellow traveler on the path, farther ahead than you.” I love this quote, because it’s so true.
I am doing this work as well. I am doing this daily practice on my own marriage. Do my husband and I fail sometimes? Oh, yes! Do we succeed at times? Oh, yes!
Yes, unlike some other therapists, I will share my stories with you. My clients seem to prefer the stories where we DON’T use our skills; we are just like everyone else.
My couples sessions are 100 minutes long
You read that correctly: One hundred minutes long. This gives us more time to dig into the issues, the negative patterns, the stuff coming up for both of you. We will be doing individual work in our “couples sessions.”
You might know this (you might not): your individual stuff is what is coming up during your fights/incidents/whatever you call them. I don’t farm out the individual work to other therapists. If you both are willing, we do it together: we do the individual work with the partner present. That goes both ways, keep that in mind. This week we may focus more on Partner A. Next week we may focus more on Partner B.
Contact me here to get started.
Let’s work together to Unmess Your Relationship.
I make it sound easy here, and it’s not.
And I know that it’s not. How do I know that it’s not? Because, to quote Terry Real: “I’m a fellow traveler on the path, farther ahead than you.” I love this quote, because it’s so true.
I am doing this work as well. I am doing this daily practice on my own marriage. Do my husband and I fail sometimes? Oh, yes! Do we succeed at times? Oh, yes!
And my clients, like you, get the benefits of stories from both successes and failures.
My couples sessions are 100 minutes long
You read that correctly: One hundred minutes long. This gives us more time to dig into the issues, the negative patterns, the stuff coming up for both of you. We will be doing individual work in our “couples sessions.”
You might know this (you might not): your individual stuff is what is coming up during your fights/incidents/whatever you call them. I don’t farm out the individual work to other therapists. If you both are willing, we do it together: we do the individual work with the partner present. That goes both ways, keep that in mind. This week we may focus more on Partner A. Next week we may focus more on Partner B.
Contact me here to get started.
Let’s work together to Unmess Your Relationship.