Have you ever felt like you’re arguing with yourself?
Part of you wants to say no; another part is already typing, “Sure! I’d be happy to.”
Part of you wants a closer relationship; another part pulls away as soon as someone gets too close.
Part of you knows you made a small mistake; another part won’t stop thinking about it three days later.
We tend to look at these reactions and think,
“Why am I doing this to myself?”
But Parts Work offers another way of looking at the question.
What if the parts of yourself that frustrate you aren’t actually trying to make your life harder?
What if they’re trying to help?
What Do We Mean by “Parts”?
Parts Work starts with a pretty simple idea:
We all have different parts of ourselves.
You might have a part that’s incredibly responsible.
A part that wants everyone to like you.
A part that’s critical of everything you do.
A part that gets defensive.
A part that wants to hide when things get overwhelming.
A part that wants to be independent and another that desperately wants someone to take care of you.
Having conflicting parts doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means there’s a lot going on in there — which, honestly, is true for most of us.
Parts Work is one of the approaches I incorporate into my approach to therapy, particularly when clients feel stuck in patterns they understand but can’t seem to change.
Even the Parts You Don’t Like Have a Reason for Being There
I get it, there are parts of all of us that we’d be happy to get rid of.
- The anxious part.
- The people-pleasing part.
- The perfectionist.
- The inner critic.
- The part that shuts down during conflict.
- The part that assumes rejection is coming before anything has even happened.
But in Parts Work therapy, instead of immediately trying to make those parts disappear, we get interested and curious about why they’re there.
What are they trying to accomplish?
What are they worried would happen if they stopped?
Basically, what are they trying to protect us from? (side note – this is why I call them Protective Parts)
This shift in questioning leads us somewhere very different.
A Part Can Be Helpful and Still Cause Problems
Imagine you learned early in life that being helpful kept people happy.
A part of you may have become very good at noticing what everyone needed and making sure you provided it.
That probably worked.
Maybe it helped you feel connected.
Maybe it reduced conflict.
Maybe it earned approval.
But years later, that same part may be volunteering you for things you don’t have time to do, making it difficult to set boundaries, or leaving you feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings.
Its strategy is creating problems now.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean its intention is bad.
Why Can’t I Just Stop Doing It?
This is where Parts Work fits so naturally with the kinds of conversations I have with clients in individual therapy.
You may already understand the pattern.
You know you’re a people-pleaser.
You know you’re too hard on yourself.
You know you get defensive.
You know you shut down when someone is upset with you.
You may even know exactly where some of those patterns came from.
And yet knowing hasn’t made them disappear.
Instead of treating that as evidence that you haven’t worked hard enough, Parts Work gives us another possibility:
Some part of you still believes the pattern is necessary.
So simply telling yourself to stop isn’t addressing the reason it’s there.
What Happens When We Stop Fighting Ourselves?
Think about the part of yourself that frustrates you the most.
Maybe it’s your inner critic.
Instead of immediately telling it to shut up, you might ask:
“What are you trying to prevent?”
The answer might be failure.
Embarrassment.
Rejection.
Disappointing someone.
Getting hurt.
You don’t have to agree with everything that part says.
You don’t have to let it make every decision.
And understanding its purpose doesn’t mean you have to keep living by its rules.
But it’s much easier to respond differently when you understand what you’re actually responding to.
Sometimes Our Parts Disagree
This is also why we can feel so conflicted about things we supposedly “know” we want.
One part wants intimacy; another is terrified of getting hurt.
One part wants to set a boundary; another is afraid someone will be angry.
One part knows you need rest; another insists you haven’t earned it yet.
These conflicting parts can show up in our relationships, too. Sometimes the patterns we’re struggling with individually become especially clear when we’re interacting with someone we love, which is something I also see in my work with couples therapy clients.
Trying to decide which part is “right” leaves you stuck in an exhausting tug-of-war.
Parts Work isn’t about choosing a winner.
It’s about understanding what each part is trying to do and helping those parts find ways of responding that fit your life now.
You Don’t Have to Get Rid of Parts of Yourself to Change
I think this is one of the things that makes Parts Work so powerful.
The goal isn’t to find the parts of yourself you don’t like and eliminate them.
It’s to understand why they’re working so hard in the first place.
Because the part that’s creating problems today learned its job for a very good reason.
That doesn’t mean it needs to keep doing the same job forever; it means we can approach it differently.
Not as something to defeat.
But as something to understand well enough that it no longer has to work quite so hard.
Want to Learn More About the Parts of You?
I offer in-person therapy in Norwood, Massachusetts (and surrounding areas), as well as online therapy throughout Massachusetts and New York, and Parts Work is one of the approaches I incorporate into my work with clients.
If you’ve spent a long time understanding your patterns but still can’t seem to change them, let’s work together and explore what the different Parts of you may be trying to accomplish. You can use the options below to schedule a free phone consultation, send me your questions by email, or book a session online.