Generational Legacy.
That term is becoming more common-place today, thanks to Encanto and Twitter.
It simply means negative behavioral patterns get passed to the next generation because we aren’t even aware that we’re doing it.
I’m a therapist. I know this stuff. I found myself falling into some patterns this week.
A little background for you:
My grandfather, John, was a horrible man. He passed away before I was born. My mom rarely talked about him and when she did, they weren’t good stories. In fact, I refer to him as “John,” not “Grandpa” on the few occasions I talk about him.
Next layer of background for you:
My dad moved out of my house when I was 11. He remained present in my life, but we weren’t living together. And due to my dad’s own issues, he rarely called me to talk or to schedule visits. My mom would literally hand me the phone (1980’s: pre-cell phones) and say “Call your father. I had a horrible relationship with my dad, I won’t let you have the same.”
When we had kids, I told my husband “If we ever divorce, I will not facilitate your relationship with our kids. My mom did that and it messed me up and I won’t do it to my kids.”
He’d scoff, as he doesn’t think we’re getting divorced anyway. To him, that statement is totally irrelevant to our world.
Current:
At times, my husband can be harsh with our 10yr old son. Both to our son and to me in private conversations. Tuesday morning we were discussing our children’s activities and he said “I hate that he’s a quitter.” I felt something shift in me in that moment.
While I did not take an official Time Out (my clients know this skill), I did say something like “I’m sorry, I can’t have this conversation right now. I don’t know what’s going on for me, but I’m about to lash out and I really don’t want to. I need a moment.”
And then I did the next step I teach my clients: I turned inward.
“What is this about? What is going on for me right now?”
These are the questions I teach my clients to ask. If I’m being honest here, I think I actually said “What the heck is going on for me right now?!”
And it hit me: my mom had a horrible relationship with her dad, and I had a horrible relationship with my dad. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my children have a horrible relationship with their dad.
But I’m so intent on stopping it, that I’m going about it in non-productive ways.
And I’m re-creating family drama anyway. I’m NOT necessarily preventing my husband and son from a horrible relationship (I can’t be involved in their relationship), and there’s a chance that I’m hurting my marriage in the process.
Yes, I stopped my mom’s pattern of making the child responsible.
Fighting with my husband doesn’t work either.
And here’s the kicker: we believe in these moments “If I can just get you to change in this way, everything will be great and the way it’s meant to be.”
The real answer is: “If I can comfort my own self in this moment, do my own work right now, THAT’s where change happens.”
I cannot control another person.
Sure, he needs to be less harsh on our son. That’s his work to do.
My concerns of Generational Legacy are my own work to do.
There are many paths to this work.
Paths/skills/tools – I’m using those words interchangeably.
Contact me here if you’d like to start your own journey.