A lot of people talk about confidence, validation, and self-esteem, but not everyone agrees on what healthy self-esteem actually is. And honestly? Maybe that’s part of the problem. Sometimes the conversation becomes so focused on achievements, approval, or appearances that we lose sight of where real self-worth actually comes from.
What Started The Conversation
I was talking to someone a few weeks ago. No, I was talking to my children in front of someone. He made the comment that it shouldn’t matter what other people think of you, happiness comes from the inside.
I responded “Kids, he’s talking about healthy self-esteem.” (Yes, my kids hear me talk about this stuff all of the time.)
“I Don’t Buy Into Self-Esteem”
He said “I don’t really buy into the concept of self-esteem; I think it’s pseudo-science.” (stay with me and keep reading to see why I agree with him and how what I teach is different)
I honestly don’t remember what I said next. I moved on. His comment did not bother me at all.
Later on, in the car, my husband said to me “I’m surprised you didn’t talk more to him. I’m surprised you didn’t go after him about healthy self-esteem.” I told my husband that it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t fazed by it.
I’m also not sure I disagree with him.
So I thought about it.
And thought about it.
And thought about it.
Call it what you want—he’s right.
What Healthy Self-Esteem Really Looks Like
The only source of healthy self esteem is from the inside and it looks like this:
- I am enough and I matter, in spite of my flaws and imperfections.
- I have worth because I was born. Period. Nothing I say or do adds to that, nor detracts from that.
The current focus is so much on what other people think of you, or what you achieve, or what you have, or what you’re able to overcome. . . (Remember EASA: E: Esteem, A: Achievements, S: Society, and A: Attributes & Assets)
These are all outside sources of self esteem…
Unhealthy outside sources. And none of them truly affect who you are on the inside. I’ll be cheesy and quote my parents when I was little, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” There’s such truth to that!
Today’s movement revolving around healthy self esteem in children isn’t working. It’s not effective. Children are losing their resiliency. Coming back to that man we were talking to: I could be very wrong, because I did not engage with him, but I’d like to think my perspective is what he was really implying.
A Different Lens on Self-Esteem
Want to start viewing yourself through a healthier lens of self-worth and emotional regulation? This work goes deeper than confidence or validation—it’s about understanding your value. Contact me to book a free consultation at (857) 891-0146 to see if we’re a good fit to work together. I offer therapy sessions in Norwood, MA and virtual therapy across Massachusetts.