There’s a word we therapists use all the time—but when I try to explain it to family and friends (even my husband!), it doesn’t always land the way I hope.
That word? Regulated.
If you’ve been in therapy spaces, chances are you’ve heard it. You might even be familiar with its counterpart: dysregulated. But if you’re not immersed in the therapy world, these terms can sound vague or clinical. So let’s break it down—clearly and simply.
Regulated vs. Dysregulated: What’s the Difference?
When someone is regulated, they’re in a state of emotional and physiological balance. They’re open, connected, and grounded. When someone is dysregulated, they’re in a state of internal distress—this could look like feeling overwhelmed, anxious, shut down, angry, or numb.
Therapist and author Dan Siegel offers a great visual: his hand model of the brain. When we’re regulated, our “thinking brain” (the neocortex) is online—we’re calm, connected, and capable of reflection. When we’re dysregulated, that part flips offline, and our more reactive, survival-based brain takes over.
But here’s the tricky part: dysregulation doesn’t always look like a meltdown.
Dysregulation Can Look Loud… or Silent
Some people visibly show dysregulation—yelling, pacing, becoming agitated. Others may seem calm on the outside but are emotionally checked out on the inside. They may withdraw, shut down, or even hyper-focus on something like video games or phone scrolling as a way to escape.
This is why I don’t use the word “calm” to describe regulation. Calmness can be a mask. Just because someone appears quiet or still doesn’t mean they’re truly connected to themselves or others.
A New Definition: The Rhythm of the Heart
Recently, I came across a definition (from Bonnie Badenoch) that really resonated (even if my husband’s still on the fence about it!):
Regulated is when your heart is beating at its most optimal rhythm—not too fast, not too slow. Not hyper-aroused, not shut down. Just in flow.
To me, this feels like a simple, intuitive way to understand what regulation feels like—not just in the brain, but in the body. It’s not about being calm or emotionally flat. It’s about being in tune with yourself and the present moment.
Why This Matters
Understanding regulation helps us better care for ourselves and others. When you notice that you—or someone you love—is dysregulated, it’s not about judgment. It’s about curiosity. What’s happening inside right now? Is there a way to return to a more balanced state?
Because when we’re regulated, we’re more available for connection, growth, and healing.
And that’s something we all deserve more of.
Do you need help with regulation? Set up a free consultation call with me here. I see clients in Norwood, MA (near Boston) or online!