Today, I want to talk about something I’ve never really touched on before—because honestly, it only recently emerged for me in my own personal therapy. Most people have heard of the fear of abandonment. It gets talked about a lot in therapy, relationships, and all over social media. But there’s another kind of fear—one that feels just as deep, and yet rarely named.
Let’s start with the familiar one.
What Is the Fear of Abandonment?
The fear of abandonment is typically triggered when someone leaves—emotionally, physically, or relationally—and you’re overwhelmed by the belief that they won’t come back. For many, that fear is rooted in childhood. Maybe a parent walked out. Maybe there was a painful divorce. Maybe someone disappeared without explanation.
Abandonment wounds tap into our earliest survival instincts. As children, we’re utterly dependent on our caregivers. If they leave, our nervous systems interpret it as life-threatening—and that fear stays with us. So even in adulthood, when our partner walks out mid-argument or pulls away emotionally, it can feel like life or death—even if we rationally know we’ll survive.
I often remind my clients: adults can’t truly be abandoned in the way children can. If your partner leaves, it would be painful—devastating, even—but not fatal. That distinction can help us begin to untangle past trauma from present triggers.
Introducing the Fear of Exile
Now, here’s the deeper layer I really came here to talk about: something I’ve come to call the fear of exile.
This isn’t a clinical term (yet!) It’s something that came up in a session with my therapist a few weeks ago—and it hit me like a lightning bolt. It felt so true, and since then I’ve been exploring it with my clients, many of whom have said, Yes. That’s it.
While the fear of abandonment is rooted in someone else leaving you…
The fear of exile is the terror that you will be sent away.
Not just left—but rejected, shunned, or cast out for who you are or what you’ve done.
It’s the inner belief that if I mess up… I’ll be exiled. And then I’ll be alone. And then I’ll die.
Where This Fear Comes From
Like abandonment, the fear of exile usually traces back to childhood.
In my own life, I grew up with two adopted older brothers—who were also technically my cousins—and one of them was sent away to a boys’ home when I was seven. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. But my nervous system learned something: If you do the wrong thing, you could be removed. Sent away. Erased from the family.
Even though I don’t consciously carry a fear of abandonment, I realized I’ve been carrying a deep fear of exile—of being shut out, excluded, or emotionally cast away if I make a mistake.
Why This Matters
Both of these fears—abandonment and exile—are rooted in early experiences where love, safety, and connection were on the line. And both can show up in our adult relationships in powerful (and often confusing) ways.
Understanding the source of our fear is the first step toward healing it. Maybe you panic when someone pulls away—classic abandonment fear. Or maybe you feel deep shame or anxiety when you think you’ve disappointed someone—that could be exile fear.
Naming it can be the beginning of something profound.
You’re Not Alone
Whether you resonate more with the fear of abandonment, the fear of exile, or both, know this: your nervous system is trying to protect you. These fears aren’t irrational. They come from real experiences—and they can be healed.
Therapy helps us meet those wounded parts of ourselves with compassion and connection. The kind we didn’t get back then—but can absolutely receive now.
I hope sharing this reflection opens up new understanding for you, like it did for me.
If you need help working on figuring out if you have these fears—or, if you know you have one and want to work on it—contact me here. I see clients in Norwood, MA, surrounding areas and online!