I went skiing this weekend.
I’m not exaggerating when I tell you the last time I skied was 30 years ago. My church youth group went on a ski trip. I don’t remember having lessons—although I look back now and realize I must have been taught some sort of basics before I went up (and down!) the hill.
What I do remember clearly is skiing down too fast and thinking the whole time “I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.”
We returned the next year and I had the same experience.
Only this time as I thought “I hate this,” the next thought was “I hated this last year and nothing has changed so why would I come back?”
And I didn’t.
I learned from that experience: I was miserable and I never went back.
Flash ahead to my life today: 30ish years later
(Yikes, I’m old!) and my brother-in-law is a ski instructor. He’s been inviting my husband and our two children to ski with him for years.
A couple of months ago I finally told him about my high school experience. He told me I needed lessons and I agreed to try. This weekend I had a lesson. My instructor asked each of us what our goal was. My answer, seriously, was “to not hate it”. That really was my only goal for the day: to not hate it.
And I didn’t hate it.
Did I get scared at times? Absolutely.
What, exactly, was I afraid of? I have no idea.
Falling or crashing into someone else? Maybe, yet neither would have been a big deal. I wasn’t going fast enough to hurt myself or someone else.
Embarrassment from falling or crashing into someone else?
That sounds more like it.
I actually found myself remembering my first training with this model of Relational Life Therapy—how scared I was. I didn’t know how I was going to transition my current couples into this new model. I didn’t know how I was going to start new couples with this new model. I didn’t know how I was going to keep track of all of the steps and details.
As part of my training, I learned that it takes three to five years to learn a new skill in adulthood.
This time frame was very reassuring, yet daunting.
That’s a long time!
If it was going to take me three to five years why would I bother? Why invest all these years in a new model?
And the answer is: Because I could see that this new model was going to help.
Why bother learning to ski? Why bother learning this new “skill?”
It’s a very different answer than for this model of therapy.
The answer is: because it’s fun.
If I can get through the learning curve and just keep trying, it is actually fun.
If I can push through the fear, it will be worth it in the end.
At one point, I got down the mountain and my husband was close behind. I literally smiled and yelled to him “Check me out!”
(That, my friends, is pride.
Pride in small doses is really healthy and beneficial for the brain and body.
Pride releases endorphins.)
I have a theory…
My theory is that generally speaking, adults are willing to put in some effort to learn a new physical skill in adulthood: skiing, kick-boxing, karate (you get my drift).
We don’t seem to be as willing to invest the time and energy into a new mental skill.
Learning to live RELATIONALLY is a mental skill.
It takes work to look at myself and others differently.
It takes work to learn compassion and step out of judgment.