I’m a big fan of Dr. Becky’s “Good Inside” podcast, and I love a concept she talks about.
I’m going to share a mental image with you:
Picture a huge, beautiful garden filled with benches. Each bench represents a different emotional state. There’s a bench for joy, a bench for sadness, a bench for anger, and a bench for fear.
When a child feels an emotion, they naturally sit on the corresponding bench. When my son is sad and crying, I have a choice. I can sit with him on the sad bench.
I might say, “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad. Can you tell me more about what happened? What are you feeling in your body?”
This act of “sitting on the bench with him” does two things. First, he feels less alone. Second, he learns non-verbally that sadness is bearable. He sees that he can sit with the feeling without it overwhelming him, and that I can handle it, too. He learns that it’s okay for his mind to get “messy” with emotion, and we can work through it together.
But what if I refuse to sit with him? What if I say things like, “Don’t be a baby. Boys don’t cry.” or “Look at the bright side! What can we do about this?”
In these moments, I’m showing him that I’m not on the bench with him. I can’t tolerate sadness, so I’m pushing him to find a different, less “messy” emotion. Michael learns, “Don’t go to that sad bench because Mom won’t sit with me there.”
This is how our minds start to get “messed up.” We learn to avoid certain emotional benches. By the time we’re adults, we subconsciously have a mental blueprint of which benches are “allowed” and which are not.
If sadness wasn’t an allowed bench, we might learn to bypass it completely and go straight to anger, because anger feels more protective. We get our feelings all tangled up instead of finding a way to sort through them.
This is where “Unmess Your Mind” comes in. The work of relational therapy is about revisiting these benches. It’s about learning to sit on the difficult ones we’ve been avoiding.
It’s about learning that you can sit with grief, or disappointment, or fear, and it won’t consume you.
It’s about learning that by sitting with your emotions, you actually gain control. You unmess the tangles and find a clear path forward.
Bring This Clarity to Your Workplace
The concepts of emotional benches and relational health aren’t just for individuals. The same principles apply to corporate culture and team dynamics.
When employees feel they can’t sit on the “frustration bench” or the “disappointment bench” at work, those unaddressed emotions often show up as conflicts, low morale, and reduced productivity.
My corporate speaking presentations teach teams and leaders how to navigate difficult emotions and build a more productive environment. I provide actionable strategies to move past judgment and foster stronger relationships, which leads to improved collaboration, higher employee retention, and a more engaged workforce.
Ready to unmess your mind—personally or professionally?
Contact me here, and let’s get to work.