A few years ago, I bought my kids a pillow with an emotional wheel printed on it. At the time, I would hand it to them and say, “Tell me five things you felt today.” They would look, scan the wheel, and start identifying their emotions.
Emotional awareness is something I care a lot about — not just for children, but for adults too.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about three emotions that are often lumped together: frustration, anger, and rage. Many people treat them as if they are simply different intensities of the same feeling. Frustration is the mild version. Anger is stronger. Rage is extreme.
But they are not gradations of one emotion. They are different emotional processes in the brain, with different neurochemicals involved. And understanding that difference can change how we approach emotional regulation and relationship conflict.
Frustration happens when the effort we put into something doesn’t match the result we get back. It’s the sense that what we received wasn’t worth what we invested. You might feel frustrated when you’ve put emotional energy into a conversation and feel unheard, or when you’ve worked hard on something and it falls apart. The discomfort comes from the mismatch between effort and outcome.
Anger serves a different purpose. Anger signals a boundary violation. Something crossed into your space — physically, emotionally, or relationally. When someone dismisses your feelings, interrupts you repeatedly, cuts you off in traffic, or breaks trust, anger shows up to protect you. In therapy, we can explore what boundary feels violated and how to respond in a way that maintains self-respect without escalating into harm.
Rage is where the misunderstanding really begins. Many people assume rage is simply anger turned all the way up. But neuroscience research suggests that rage is closely tied to attachment systems in the brain. In infant studies conducted by Jaak Panksepp, babies escalate their signals when they need connection. They begin softly. If that doesn’t work, they intensify. If they are still not responded to, they move into rage. Rage, in that system, is not about pushing someone away. It is an urgent attempt to be seen.
This dynamic shows up in adult relationships as well. When someone escalates quickly or moves into explosive emotion, we may interpret it as rejection or hostility. Sometimes it is unsafe behavior that needs boundaries. But sometimes, underneath the dysregulation, there is attachment distress — a nervous system trying desperately to get attention or connection.
What often shapes our response is the story in our head. An event happens, and then we assign meaning to it. If we interpret someone’s rage as “You are pushing me away,” we react one way. If we consider the possibility that it is “You are trying to reach me, but in a dysregulated way,” we may respond differently. The behavior does not automatically become acceptable. But the lens through which we see it matters.
Understanding the difference between frustration, anger, and rage can be especially important in couples therapy, parenting, and individual work focused on emotional regulation. When we label everything as anger, we lose clarity. When we slow down and ask what emotional system is actually activated, we gain options.
Frustration reflects effort versus outcome.
Anger protects boundaries.
Rage may signal attachment distress.
They are not the same feeling at different volumes. They are different signals entirely.
If you’re interested in exploring more about emotional regulation, attachment patterns, or relationship dynamics, you can read additional blogs here or subscribe to my YouTube channel.
If you’re considering therapy in the Boston area, including Norwood, MA, or are looking for online therapy focused on relationship conflict or emotional regulation, please book a free consultation call here!
Clarity about our emotions creates space. And space allows for change.