Hey there! Today, I want to dive into a topic that’s not just fascinating but incredibly useful when it comes to understanding yourself and others better: brain states. This concept draws from the work of some brilliant minds like Terry Real, Dan Siegel, Julianne Taylor Shore (Jules), and Robin Gobbel. While they might use different terms to explain these states, the underlying science remains consistent.
If you’ve been curious about how our brains influence our relationships and interactions, stick with me—this is life-changing stuff!
What Are Brain States?
Our brains operate in distinct states depending on how safe or threatened we feel. These states shape our thoughts, reactions, and ability to connect with others. Let’s break it down using Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain, which is an excellent way to visualize this.
The Hand Model of the Brain
Brainstem: This is your survival system, responsible for keeping your heart beating and lungs breathing. (wrist and open palm)
Subcortical Brain: This part manages impulses and knee-jerk reactions. Terry Real refers to this as our “first consciousness” because it kicks in before anything else. (thumb crossed over the open palm)
Neocortex: This is where higher thinking, problem-solving, and connection happen. Terry calls this the “second consciousness” or the “wise adult brain.” (fingers closed around the thumb; like making a fist with your thumb tucked in.)
Using these parts of the brain, we can understand how we shift between protective and connected states.
Protective vs. Connected Brain States
Protective Brain State (Survival Mode)
This state, also known as the adaptive child (Terry Real) or the unintegrated brain (Jules), is all about self-preservation. Here’s what happens:
- Your brain scans for: safety vs. danger; four times per second on each of the layers below. That means your Protective Brain is processing three things at once: twelve processes per second!
- It processes three layers: me to me, me to you, and me to the environment.
- It’s constantly evaluating: “Am I okay?” or “Am I not okay?”
This is where fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses kick in. It’s not inherently unhealthy—sometimes, this state saves your life (like jumping back when a car speeds toward you.) Also, if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (“HALT”), your protective brain might perceive neutral interactions as threatening.
But here’s the catch: in everyday interactions, this state can cause misunderstandings and tension. For instance, a simple question like, “Did you turn off the stove?” might feel like an attack to someone stuck in this mode. That part of your brain will then create a response within you as if you are being attacked—even if you’re not!
Connected Brain State (Thriving Mode)
When your brain detects safety, you shift into the connected brain state, also called the wise adult brain or the integrated brain. Here’s what’s possible:
- Networks in your brain work together effectively.
- You can calm and soothe your protective brain, allowing for creativity, connection, and problem-solving.
- This state is where real connection happens—with yourself and others.
Imagine holding a baby and gently “shushing” them to comfort them. That’s what your connected brain does for your protective brain.
The Science of Connection
We are relational beings. Our brains are wired to pick up on the emotional states of others. When someone around you is in a protective state, it’s easy to get pulled into the same mode. This is why family dynamics can feel so overwhelming—everyone’s protective brains might be scanning and reacting simultaneously.
To shift from protection to connection, we need to:
1. Pause and breathe. (Terry’s method)
2. Recognize that safety is present.
3. Engage our wise adult brain to respond rather than react.
Real-Life Applications
Family Dynamics
Let’s say your child explodes when you ask about homework. They’re not trying to be difficult—their protective brain is misinterpreting your question as an attack. If you can stay in your connected brain, you’re better equipped to de-escalate the situation.
Relationships
When your partner seems defensive, it’s tempting to react protectively yourself. But understanding their brain state can help you respond with empathy and curiousity, fostering deeper connection.
Self-Awareness
Your protective brain might overreact to minor stressors. By recognizing this, you can practice shifting into your connected brain, making decisions from a place of calm and clarity.
Common Misconceptions
It’s important to avoid labeling brain states as “healthy” or “unhealthy.” Both states serve a purpose. The protective brain is vital for survival, but the connected brain allows us to thrive in relationships and general life situations.
The goal isn’t to avoid protective states entirely—that’s impossible. Instead, we aim to recognize when we’re in a protective state and practice returning to connection when it’s safe to do so.
The Salt Story:
I have a silly, relatable story from my own life that very simply illustrates how these brain states work in a relationship dynamic. It warranted its own post and YouTube video, so check it out here.
Understanding brain states is a game-changer for improving relationships. By recognizing when you or someone else is in a protective state, you can respond with compassion and help shift toward connection. This knowledge empowers us to navigate family dynamics, strengthen partnerships, and cultivate self-awareness.
I hope this post inspires you to explore your own brain states and how they impact your interactions. Remember, connection starts with safety—and safety starts with understanding.
If you’re curious about these ideas, check out my podcast, Why Does My Partner?, for more insights on relationships and brain science. And as always, keep practicing compassion for yourself and others as we all navigate the dance between protection and connection.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. Let’s spread this knowledge and make the world a little more connected!
And, if you need some help recognizing these “safety vs. danger” moments and navigating how to shift into your connected state, let’s work together! Contact me here or drop me an email at victoria@unmessyourmind.com. I work with individuals and couples online or in person in Westwood, MA, near the following areas: Norwood, Boston, Dover, Brookline, Wellesley, Newton, Needham, Sharon and Canton.